Healing Pain: Breaking Free from the Destructive Pain of Codependency
Codependency perpetuates pain.
For many people, caring deeply for others is a strength, but when it leads to neglecting your own needs, over-giving, or feeling responsible for everyone else’s happiness, it can cross the line into codependency. Codependency is a way of being, thinking and behaving in current relationships that is built on beliefs formed about self and others in earlier, dysfunctional relationships. It is a pattern of approaching connection with others that often grows when people who are wired for connection experience deep, traumatic relational pain. That root hurt taught them to prioritize others at their own expense in the hope of avoiding more pain. However, this self-protective behavior can actually lead one into relationship dynamics that perpetuate and multiply core wounds.
The person trapped in the pain of codependency is typically not conscious of the elements of their behavior that are driven by core wounds. They're more conscious of the parts of themselves that long for connection, truly love people, or want to give to others the way God has given to them. They may not realize that, in their desire to be giving, they are also being influenced by a desire to stop hurting. They know that they feel exhausted from trying to keep everyone else afloat while neglecting their own emotional well-being. They may not identify with the term “codependency,” but notice how often they overextend themselves for others and still end up feeling resentful, unappreciated, or unloved.
“Have you ever noticed yourself thinking, or heard someone else saying, “The Bible says to treat others the way you want to be treated. I try to love others the way I would like them to love me but I feel so unloved.”?”
When a person doesn't understand codependency and the influence it is having over them, they will a be hurt and confused as to why all of the effort they put into relationships still yields pain. Whether you recognize these struggles as part of your life, love someone who is suffering in codependency, or are already working toward recovery, it’s important to know this: healing from codependency is possible, but it often involves facing more pain. The good news is that this is a different kind of pain. It’s healing pain, not the overwhelming, debilitating pain of your trauma.
Understanding Healing Pain
Codependency begins with traumatic pain but being in codependent relationships produces ongoing, unproductive pain. The current, frustrating pain of codependency comes from trying to control the uncontrollable—fixing others’ problems, rescuing them from their mistakes, or taking on responsibility for their emotions. It’s exhausting and often leaves you feeling frustrated, unappreciated, or stuck in unhealthy relationships. When you decide to step out of these patterns, you might find yourself facing discomfort in new ways.
For Those in Recovery: You Are Doing Hard but Holy Work
If you are already on the path of recovery, know that the discomfort you’re facing is part of the process. Healing pain is temporary and purposeful. Each time you set a boundary or choose to take care of yourself, you are building a healthier foundation for your life and relationships.
Be gentle with yourself as you navigate this journey. Growth doesn’t happen overnight, but every step you take is progress. Remember, you’re not just healing your past—you’re also modeling healthier patterns for those around you, perhaps even breaking generational cycles.
For Those Who Wonder If They Might Be Codependent
If you’re reading this and wondering if codependency describes you, consider these questions:
Do you often feel responsible for other people’s emotions or problems?
Do you struggle to say no, even when you’re overwhelmed?
Do you base your sense of worth on how much you do for others?
Recognizing these patterns can feel overwhelming at first, but it’s the first step toward breaking free. Awareness opens the door to change, and with the right support, you can begin to live a life that is healthier and more balanced.
You are not alone.
At Boundless Hope Christian Clinical Counseling, we understand how painful and overwhelming it can feel to confront these patterns. Whether you’re just beginning to ask questions about your relationships or are deep into recovery, you don’t have to navigate this journey alone.
If you’re wondering whether codependency is affecting your life, we invite you to reach out to schedule an appointment with one of our therapists or to learn more about how we can help. For those already in recovery, we want to encourage you to keep going. The healing process is hard work, but it’s holy work. Trust that God is with you in the discomfort, redeeming your pain and guiding you toward freedom. If you need extra support, we’re here to walk alongside you. Healing from codependency is not easy, but it is worth it!